What is this nonsense?

This is a newsletter called the Cynic’s Guide to Self Improvement. Or Self-Improvement, I haven’t really settled yet on where to put the hyphen.

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Have you given much thought to bees?

I’ve read somewhere that just spooling, writing down whatever is in your head at any given time, is a really useful habit. It’s supposed to be good for your mind, letting things go, letting things out. So I’m going to do that on this random page that I’m not sure anyone ever looks at. But I don’t know if it’s good for me because my head is full of bees.

Really. Bees?

Yes, bees. I’m always thinking about bees. If someone says “quick, say the first thing that comes into your head!” it’s always bees. I think it’s because I blurted “bees” once when challenged to say something on-the-spot and people thought it was funny, and some unhelpful reward loop in my brain wants me to bee prepared.

Other things that are constantly on my mind include:

1. What if lightsabers were real? And what if I had one?

2. What if I could do a kamehameha? I have kamehameha’d so many annoying tailgaters.

3. What if I could shoot Optic Blasts from my eyes like Cyclops in the X-Men?

You are probably sensing a pattern here: all my constant ruminations and preoccupations date from when I was 15 and the raddest things in the world were lightsabers, Goku, and things adjacent to Goku. There is probably some trauma locking them all in place, but in the meantime, bees.

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